Autism & Adolescence in Girls

I couldn’t tell you with absolute certainty whether or not there is any difference in having “the talk” with a young typical girl versus a young autistic girl as I’ve only had experience with the latter. My daughter has a fear of aging as she relates it to having to be separated from me so she was very reluctant to confront the changes that were happening in her body whenever I attempted to broach the topic.

Over the course of a number of months, I made many unsuccessful attempts to open up the dialogue with my daughter. When it became apparent that her body was changing rapidly and that there was no remote control I could use to pause or activate the slow-motion mode, I knew that I would have to change my approach if I was going to prepare her for the inevitable. I decided to switch gears and treat this like I would if I were giving a presentation at work.

I started out by asking myself the following:

1) Who is my audience?

2) How can I deliver this information in a way that will reach them?

3) What kind of incentive could I use to motivate my audience to eventually participate in an open  conversation to review the information shared?

Next, I carefully thought about each question and answered them, as follows:

1) My daughter is uncomfortable engaging in face-to-face conversations about topics that relate to her personal feelings or issues she considers private. She tends to do better starting out with written communication and feels more confident when she has some control over the what/when/where of a situation. At only 9 years old, she is also rather young and therefore, information should be delivered in a manner that is age-appropriate.

2) My daughter is a voracious reader so I decided that this would be a great way to reach her. She would have the control to read at her own pace, at the time of her choice and in the privacy and comfort of her bedroom. In order to find the perfect book, I did research online and reached out to other mothers of young girls for their input and recommendations. Eventually, I chose “The Care and Keeping of You Collection: A Collection for Younger Girls”. It is a great set designed for young girls that includes two books, two companion journals and a personal calendar. The books and journals address not only the physical changes but also the emotional changes that a young girl may experience as she goes through puberty. Since my daughter likes puppies, I purchased a set of 6 small, magnetic bookmarks with puppies on them that I used to mark the sections I felt were the most critical for her to read. I also bought some fun pens to use for her new journals.

3) Finally, I decided to throw in a little incentive (or bribery…call it what you will) to get her to actually crack open those books so I bought her $15 gift card to Barnes & Noble (her favorite store). I then put the book collection and the pens in a gift bag and gave it to her privately one night. I wouldn’t say she was especially thrilled when she opened it, but she agreed to let me show her how I had marked each of the sections that I wanted her to read. I told her that she could read it at her own pace and that I would not pressure her. Now it was time for the incentive; Since we don’t have many opportunities for one on one time, I told her that if she had read through the sections I had marked and agreed to talk to me about it, then we would go on a Mommy-Daughter date to Barnes & Noble so she could spend her gift card and get a chocolate milk with whipped cream from Starbucks.

One week later, we were having our date and I was able to ask her what she’d learned and answer questions that she had. We enjoyed our Starbucks and reading time following our conversation and afterward, went shopping for some of the supplies that she needed to get started.

Fast-forward a few months and she was pulling me aside to tell me that she’d experienced her first menstrual period. She could not have been more calm about it! I was so impressed with how she handled herself when it finally happened. I tried my best to make her feel special without making it a big deal since she doesn’t like that. I bought her a special little purse for her supplies to keep in her backpack, a little lip balm she’d been eyeing at the store for a while and cupcakes that I told her, between us, were to celebrate her awesomness at having dealt with everything so maturely.

This experience taught me a lot about tailoring my parenting to the needs of each individual child and that they will be more receptive to communicating when I speak their language.

Can’t stop time no matter how hard we try!

Wendy